Dec 11, 2008

One More Piece of Trash to Add to My Already Prodigious Pile of Rubbish

Tomorrow is my last undergrad class ever. Ever. And the funny thing is, I'm not really excited about it. I'm approaching it the same way I approached student teaching, the same way I approached Thanksgiving, the same way I'm approaching Christmas: with a laissez-faire semi-apathetic attitude that refuses to acknowledge the important events in my life. I don't know why. It's like ever since fall of my junior year of college, I've been just rolling through life, even-keeled, almost dispassionate. There have been moments of passion and zeal, and moments of sorrow and pain, but much of my life these years has been quite . . . numb.

This is probably not the place to be vomiting life reflections on those of you who even see this page. But as a chapel speaker said last week, we need to be honest with our pain. And I'm doing that now.

But I need to say it. I'm not the person I was.

I think a lot of it started when I came back from Europe. I had been humiliated and kicked back home, but tried to put on a smile and say it was all for the best, when really, I knew I was . . . hurting.

And then came my 0h-so-favorite-teacher, and all that she has put me through these last two years, and I think a part of my mind just turned off all that I felt, unless that feeling was extreme. That way, I wouldn't have to deal with the pain and humiliation of having my dreams crash and burn, my scholarship lost, and the work of my hands labeled as unworthy of even 1/10 of the total points (I won't go into any of these stories here. They are quite long, and chances are, you know them already).

As I write this, I realize that all of the things which have pained me most in the past two years are not issues that I should care about (the poor, the lost, the broken-hearted), but rather, issues that attack my own pride - my own swollen ego. And I am just now realizing that I have a sin issue that I had believed myself to be free of years ago - pride. Unhealthy, selfish pride.

Lord, remove any misconceptions I have of myself so that I am not deceived by my own pride. In place of my pride, fill me with humility and gratefulness to you for even glancing at a hypocritical, prideful being like myself. And you did much more than glance - you freed me from pride - you forgave my sins - you justified and are sanctifying me in ways I cannot imagine. Let me not forget that.

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