Tomorrow is my last undergrad class ever. Ever. And the funny thing is, I'm not really excited about it. I'm approaching it the same way I approached student teaching, the same way I approached Thanksgiving, the same way I'm approaching Christmas: with a laissez-faire semi-apathetic attitude that refuses to acknowledge the important events in my life. I don't know why. It's like ever since fall of my junior year of college, I've been just rolling through life, even-keeled, almost dispassionate. There have been moments of passion and zeal, and moments of sorrow and pain, but much of my life these years has been quite . . . numb.
This is probably not the place to be vomiting life reflections on those of you who even see this page. But as a chapel speaker said last week, we need to be honest with our pain. And I'm doing that now.
But I need to say it. I'm not the person I was.
I think a lot of it started when I came back from Europe. I had been humiliated and kicked back home, but tried to put on a smile and say it was all for the best, when really, I knew I was . . . hurting.
And then came my 0h-so-favorite-teacher, and all that she has put me through these last two years, and I think a part of my mind just turned off all that I felt, unless that feeling was extreme. That way, I wouldn't have to deal with the pain and humiliation of having my dreams crash and burn, my scholarship lost, and the work of my hands labeled as unworthy of even 1/10 of the total points (I won't go into any of these stories here. They are quite long, and chances are, you know them already).
As I write this, I realize that all of the things which have pained me most in the past two years are not issues that I should care about (the poor, the lost, the broken-hearted), but rather, issues that attack my own pride - my own swollen ego. And I am just now realizing that I have a sin issue that I had believed myself to be free of years ago - pride. Unhealthy, selfish pride.
Lord, remove any misconceptions I have of myself so that I am not deceived by my own pride. In place of my pride, fill me with humility and gratefulness to you for even glancing at a hypocritical, prideful being like myself. And you did much more than glance - you freed me from pride - you forgave my sins - you justified and are sanctifying me in ways I cannot imagine. Let me not forget that.